The Slagpit Interviews
by LunarFormer
Summary: Welcome to my newest subseries. Next up, we meet the Star of our primary line, Wolfbane.
1. The Decepticons

The Slagpit Interviews  
  
"A Night With the Crew of the 'Enslavement'"  
  
A Slagpit Production  
  
An almost TF Fanfiction  
  
Welcome, everyone, to the gala premier of The Slagpit Interviews! I am Slagpit, as you all know. Since LunarFormer has gone missing…(for information about that, consult any of the more recent stories by Albedo, along with the respective reviews)…I have put the Wolfbane Chronicles on hold, as well as any other standard Slagpit/LunarFormer Productions stories. In this series, we shall be introducing you, at greater length, to the characters of our primary stories, the Wolfbane Chronicles (note the obvious use of plugs).  
  
"Nah, he's not all that concerned about doing the stories himself, he's just still stuck with writer's block, and is still trying to figure out how to keep each and every one of his stories from turning into a romance by accident."  
  
Shut up, Darkbane! Don't make me ask Z to turn you into a lizard and stick you in the Antarctic again.  
  
"Oh…all right."  
  
Now then…I do not own TransFormers or any related terms. Those would belong to Hasbro/Takara/Sunbow/Marvel Productions/etc/etc/etc…The "Trans Misfits" a.k.a my characters, belong to Slagpit/LunarFormer Productions. Any similarities to anyone else's characters are strictly coincidence. This end up. No serviceable parts inside. Live long and prosper. Nanu Nanu. Ba Weep Gra Na Weep Nini Bong. Say no more, squire!  
  
"Slagpit, you may want to stop now."  
  
Oh…thanks Wolfbane. Note, all events happening in this story are prerecorded, so do not worry about my safety in any way. I make it out all right in the end. Well…mostly all right.  
  
Tonight, I have managed to gain access to the infamous Decepticon battle cruiser "Enslavement," captained by the infamous Darkbane. Of course, a ship is only as good as it's crew. I have managed to get ahold of the primary members of this crew…(if this was television, the camera would turn a full ninety degrees, showing that Slagpit is hanging upside down, holding his microphone, just above the engine coils of the ship. The chains in which he is restrained and dangling by lead to the main Decepticon team, consisting of Vidwave, FlapSnap, Sparksmasher, Wingwrath, Tracking, and Darkstorm, all of whom grin fiendishly at their employer.)  
  
Sparksmasher: Who has the upper hand now, boss? (he walks over and rattles the chains slightly, causing Slagpit to swing closer to the engine's intake)  
  
Sparksmasher, I truly mean you guys no harm. I just want to interview the lot of you.  
  
Wingwrath: Sure…that's what he says now! How much you wanna bet he came here to fire us since he can't figure out what to write next?  
  
FlapSnap: Did Lord Darkbane authorize this interrogation, Sparksmasher?  
  
Sparksmasher: Shut up, you fool! This is our only chance! If we don't do this now, we'll never get to have fun like this again! And you know Darkbane isn't here.  
  
FlapSnap: All interrogations which endanger the life of the victim must be cleared with his lordship. I'm sorry, I must put a stop to this.  
  
Wingwrath and Sparksmasher: OVER OUR DEAD BODIES! (the two proceed to pounce on the bat/eel fuzor, and in a short while have him dangling alongside the struggling writer.)  
  
FlapSnap: This is against regulations and you know it, 'Smasher! When Lord Darkbane hears of this, he'll skin you and make a new rug for his office!  
  
Sparksmasher: I highly doubt that, idiot.  
  
Well, as long as I have you down here with me, Flap, mind if I ask you a few questions?  
  
FlapSnap: I suppose you might as well. I really must apologize. Sparksmasher never has any regaurd for how things are supposed to be done.  
  
No problem. Really. Now, tell me, what attracted you to join the Decepticons? I mean, you really are too…nice…to be a Decepticon.  
  
FlapSnap: You know, it's the strangest thing, everyone on this ship tells me that, too. And everyone back at the academy. And my own parents. And…  
  
We get the picture.  
  
FlapSnap: Right. Sorry. Well, I suppose it stems from the fact that I come from a long line of Decepticons. My brother, Waspinator, had been a Decepticon as well, but he recently defected and joined with the Predicons. No big loss for our side, but things are never going to be the same at reunions. Poppa Skywarp chewing him out for abandoning the cause we have strived for all these eons, mom yelling at him, because it was his teaching us that we need to find our own ways to be different…  
  
Um…that's more than we needed to know.  
  
FlapSnap: And then there's Uncle Skyfire…he'll congratulate the twerp for joining a different faction, the same way he joined the Autobots…  
  
FlapSnap, that's enough.  
  
FlapSnap: And then Poppa will open fire on my uncle, because he became an Autobot…  
  
HELP!  
  
(cut to the other 'Cons, who are laughing at the events down below, Tracking and Vidwave leaning against each other as well as possible, Sparksmasher rolling on the floor, and Wingwrath up against the railing. Darkstorm seems to have left the area. Sparksmasher rolls a bit too far, and falls over the edge of the platform, under the guardrail.)  
  
FlapSnap: and then the accusations about who made Uncle Skyfire will come up as always…GHAK! (FlapSnap is cut off as Sparksmasher grabs him to stop his decent into the engine.)  
  
Sparksmasher: By the Pit! I could have been slagged!  
  
Never anger the writer, 'Smasher.  
  
Sparksmasher: I'm safe from you right now! See? With FlapSnap here, I'm invincible. He's your patsy, not me.  
  
(Sparksmasher started to climb up the chain that held FlapSnap, but the chain suddenly broke, releasing the sometimes dimwitted 'bot, who quickly transformed and flew back up to the main platform. 'Smasher was left with his front claws tangled in the chain)  
  
You were saying?  
  
Sparksmasher: ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT! WHAT DO YOU WANT? JUST DON'T KILL ME!  
  
Some interrogator. Now he's begging me not to kill him. Isn't it usually the other way around?  
  
Sparksmasher: Yes, it usually is. Now, is that what you came here to ask? A stupid quest…  
  
(one of Sparksmasher's claws suddenly broke in the chains)  
  
Sparksmasher: What do you want to know?  
  
Well, I think the question on many people's minds is…why is it that you have this Transmetal body, with a Frilled lizard mode and Ambulance mode, but no apparent robot transformation?  
  
Sparksmasher: Well…to tell the truth…  
  
And that's what I want, if you want to see the end of this story…  
  
Sparksmasher: yes, yes…Well, I was SUPPOSED to be one of a breed of Quadrichangers. I would have my Transmetal beast mode, my vehicle mode, robot mode, and a regular beast mode. Unfortunately, things…didn't work out.  
  
How so?  
  
Sparksmasher: Well, we got the transmetal to work…and the ambulance…and even the non-transmetal form, in which I turn into a Velociraptor. That's the mode I use when torturing someone, since I get to use the sharp teeth and built in claws on my feet. Unfortunately, during the final stages…the computer lost the specs for my robot form…so I'm stuck like this. I'm what the others like to call the Transmetal Mutate, as if I fit in with Soundwave in the that shortlived line…  
  
Ok, thanks…can you get us back up now?  
  
Sparksmasher: No.  
  
Darn.  
  
(cut to the platform again, where the other 'cons are laughing even harder now. Tracking and Vidwave…um…uh…oh, heck with it, the platform gives way under them, and they wind up hanging from Sparksmasher.)  
  
Sparksmasher: OW! Get off my leg! GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF! VID, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY!  
  
(Vidwave climbs up the Frilled lizard, and gains a hold of the rest of the chain.)  
  
Sparksmasher: thank you.  
  
Vidwave, could I ask you a few questions?  
  
(Vidwave looks down at the human, with a look of pure befuddlement in his eyes)  
  
Oh, right…you're mute. I forgot. Sorry.  
  
(Vidwave shrugs, and tries to climb up the chain.)  
  
Tracking: HEY! WAIT UP, PARTNER!  
  
Tracking, may I have a word with you?  
  
Tracking: Fine…what?  
  
I was wondering…  
  
Tracking: that's 3 words!  
  
Sparksmasher: DON'T ANGER HIM! It's a bad plan.  
  
Tracking: oh. Ok…  
  
Now, as I was saying, I was wondering…what's it like to be the voice of you and Vidwave?  
  
Tracking: Boring. Whenever I'm alone with the guy, I start talking to myself! Do you have any idea what that's like?  
  
Yes. Yes I do. That's how I created all you guys. I was talking to myself, and developed multiple personalities. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SAVED FOR THE INTERVIEW WITH ME BY LF!  
  
Tracking: oops…CASSETTE MODE! (Tracking turns into a video cassette and quickly flies up into his partner's VHS slot, as Vidwave slowly makes his way back to the platform.)  
  
(cut to the platform again, and Wingwrath is fighting with FlapSnap to keep him from pulling Slagpit back up, while trying to pull Sparksmasher and Vidwave up at the same time. She loses her grip, stumbles backward, and tumbles down the same way the others had, only with a bit more screaming. The top of the backplate of her upper armor catches on Sparksmasher's Raptor mode sickle like toe claws.)  
  
Ah, madam Wingwrath. Newest member of the Enslavement crew. Any words you would like to share with us?  
  
Wingwrath: Not particularly.  
  
No…secrets, perhaps, about your relationship with the captain of this fine vessel?  
  
Wingwrath: What ARE you talking about? There is no relationship…he is my commanding officer. And…  
  
And?  
  
Wingwrath: and…he…  
  
Sparksmasher: Oh, come on…  
  
Wingwrath: Quite, psycho lizard!  
  
Sparksmasher: If I wasn't a psycho, you wouldn't be here, welp!  
  
Wingwrath: Ever think I might like that? Ever consider that maybe if I wasn't constantly burdened by these feelings, that I might be happy? Ever think that maybe I'm tired of "Lord" Darkbane not noticing me, and always trying to avoid me? Well? Ever think about that, you sadistic freak?!  
  
Oh…kay…thanks, Sparksmasher, for getting all that out of her.  
  
Sparksmasher: No problem. Now, how about you get us out of here?  
  
Wingwrath: Don't bother. I'll get myself out of here. (she transforms into a calico cat with large black raven wings and a raven's beak, and flies back up to the platform, where FlapSnap is trying to pull Slagpit up, and Vidwave is pulling Sparksmasher back up. Vidwave succeeds, but FlapSnap is nowhere closer to succeeding than he was when he was being prevented by Wingwrath. The other 'Cons leave.)  
  
FlapSnap: I'll have you up soon, sir. Then we can go through proper channels and make sure this torture follows proper procedure.  
  
???: There will be no torture today, buddy!  
  
FlapSnap: What the…WhaAAAA!  
  
(Something picks up FlapSnap and flings him down the hallway the other 'Cons left by, then pulls Slagpit up.)  
  
Thanks, Lightstorm.  
  
Lightstorm: Don't mention it.  
  
(Lightstorm unchains the writer, then changes back to Darkstorm)  
  
Darkstorm: And I mean don't mention it!  
  
Right. Well, that about does it for The Slagpit Interviews for tonight. Until next time, I'm Slagpit, hoping that everyone responds that reads these. G'Night Everybody! Klatu Barata Nikto! Poit! Narf! BAM! PORK FAT RULES!  
  
"SLAGPIT! You can stop now."  
  
Right…sorry. 


	2. Wolfbane

The Slagpit Interviews  
  
"An Evening With the Wolf Warrior"  
  
A Slagpit Production  
  
An Almost TransFormers Fanfic  
  
(Slagpit paces back and forth in a large studio while the rest of the Trans Misfits, sans LunarFormer, stand off to the side, many of which are looking concerned. Finally, Wolfbane steps forward.)  
  
"Slagpit, what's the matter?"  
  
What's the matter? LF has been missing all this time and you ask what's the matter?  
  
(scene cuts to a picture of LunarFormer, surrounded by eevees, vampiric kiwis, yellow squeaky toy ducks, and a ranting white and blue Decepticon [see any of Albedo's more current stories {such as 'The Wreck', and 'The Experiment'}and the reviews of those stories for details.], then cuts back to the studio.)  
  
"Oh, you know him, he probably transformed somewhere and his transformation cog got jammed. That would be just his luck."  
  
Still…normally, he at least radios in…I want you all to go and search for him. First to find him gets…um…their own one shot story. Wolfbane, you stay here.  
  
(there is a loud cry of excitement as all the Trans Misfits but Wolfbane start running for the door.)  
  
"Aw…why can't I go?"  
  
You already have your own series. Why would you need a one shot? Besides, I like to have the guest of the most recent recording of The Slagpit Interviews around, just for fun.  
  
"You're gonna show that?"  
  
Yup.  
  
"Tonight?"  
  
YES, Wolf. Now then, the disclaimer…aw, shucks, everyone reading this knows it by now. TransFormers and all related elements belongs to Hasbro, Takara, Sunbow, Marvel Productions, Dreamwave Comics, Istambul, Constantinople…  
  
"Istambul IS Constantinople, and I doubt that that city owns TransFormers, Slagpit."  
  
Riiiiight…sorry. Anyway, if you have any problems with TransFormers, take it up with them. I own a modest TransFormers collection, as well as the Trans Misfits, a puppy dog, a PlayStation, an N64, a Dreamcast…  
  
"STOP RAMBLING!"  
  
Sorry. All events taking place in this fic are made up, and were prerecorded in front of a dead audience. All your base are belong to us. We are the ants that spoil your picnic. A horse is a horse, of course, of course…  
  
"Just roll the film."  
  
………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
Tonight, I have arranged a meeting with none other than Wolfbane, the star of our flagship series, THE WOLFBANE CHRONICLES! He is probably best known around Cybertron as the leader of the Autobot Resistance. He is Wolfbane, and I'm honored to have a chance to meet with him in his inner sanctum.  
  
(the camera pulls back, showing Wolfbane's room, with a new bed in place of the one that was vaporized by the sonic screwdriver back in Wolfbane Chronicles: Spark's Love Saga: Part 2: Home Is Where You Don't Belong. The walls are covered in weapons racks, ranging from medieval swords to rocket launchers to things that are too advanced for human science to have an equal to them. Wolfbane is sitting in a large, wheeled, spinning chair with ornately carved armrests. Slagpit is sitting in a similar chair facing him. Wolfbane is wearing his flight jacket, the blue hooded sweatjacket seen in the same Saga of the Chronicles, Part One: Enter Wolfbane.)  
  
Thank you for meeting with me. I know how busy your schedule is…  
  
Wolfbane: It's not too busy, since you haven't written anything for the Chronicles recently, and the numbers in the ranks of the resistance are dwindling at an alarming rate.  
  
Yes, well, I can't help the first part.  
  
Wolfbane: Whatever.  
  
Well, let's get on with the questions, shall we? First of all, I was wondering…mind explaining the history of the Resistance to our readers?  
  
Wolfbane: Ah, yes, the Resistance. Well, at the "end" of the Great War, yes, some of the Decepticons were given amnesty; Soundwave, Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Thrust, Thundercracker, Dirge, Skywarp, and a few others. I didn't mind that. Megatron was sentenced to annihilation. I had no problem with that. Heck, I SUPPORTED that. I was on the firing squad! The others were sentenced to banishment. That's where I had problems. I knew, as well as others, that the banished Decepticons would find some way to cause problems. So a group of us that didn't support the verdict there formed an underground group that wanted to hunt down the exiled Decepticons and give them what they deserved…annihilation.  
  
So what does that have to do with the Maximals?  
  
Wolfbane: I'm getting to that. Now, after that, new political groups formed…one that seemed to love beurocracy way too much, and one that was just too much like the old Decepticon ideal of "We should be trying to take over the universe!" These two sides became known as Maximals and Predicons. They were still at peace, but the Preds had taken the initiative of moving their followers, many of whom were Decepticons who had received amnesty, to a moon base. Clearly, these paper pushers weren't about to allow us to fight this new evil, so we remained true to our Autobot titles. Nowadays, though…we have less of the old stock which believed in our cause, so they keep wandering over to the Preds or the Maxis, and then there's all of our old guard, who are retiring from service. Most recently, Rodimus himself stepped down from leadership, as well as Ultra Magnus. I have been elected leader of the resistance now, which takes quite a bit of time.  
  
(cut to Slagpit, who suffers from ADHD, and during that long speech, started to wander around looking over the weapons.)  
  
Wolfbane: Anything else?  
  
Hmm? Oh…right…the interview. Well, I'm sure we would all love to know a bit more about your relationship with Lifewing…  
  
Wolfbane: I don't want to cause a dramatic change in the rating of this thing, Slagpit.  
  
(Slagpit snickers) Right. Let's see…ah, yes…why is it you kick any and all doors open?  
  
Wolfbane: Ever tried it? It's a great stress reliever.  
  
Ah.  
  
Wolfbane: and it's fun.  
  
Really?  
  
Wolfbane: Sure. Give it a try!  
  
OK! (Slagpit wanders over to the door, and kicks it, only to realize that an Autobot kicking the door open to his own room, a door made of someodd inches of solid metal, would be much different from a human kicking the same door. Namely, the autobot wouldn't get a broken foot.) OW!  
  
Wolfbane: Ouch…I didn't mean here.  
  
Now he clarifies. Fortunately, I heal quickly. Next, about Darkbane…  
  
Wolfbane (in a low growl): What about him?  
  
Well, firstly, people are looking forward to my interview with him…  
  
Wolfbane: WHAT?! Ridiculous…why?  
  
People like Decepticons. Don't ask me…sometimes there's no accounting for taste.  
  
Wolfbane: any reason for this realization for me?  
  
You seen him around? He wasn't at the "Enslavement" when I stopped by there…  
  
Wolfbane: No, I haven't. but when I do, I'll make sure to make sure I never have to see him again.  
  
Ok. Also, why is it you can't kill Darkbane, exactly?  
  
Wolfbane: Well…his spark is my spark. Since he is actively a second half of me, half of my spark is his. That's why he has no spark…  
  
Ah. That makes sense.  
  
………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
Um, no offence to anyone, but I'm gonna have to make this a two parter, I'm falling asleep at the keys here. So, until I get back and finish this chapter…or am I finished this chapter….  
  
"I don't know, Slagpit."  
  
I'll just leave with a thanks for reading, and a PLEASE RESPOND OR WE'LL…um…KILL THIS PIKACHU! (pulls out a pikachu, which he dangles in front of a hungry Wolfbane.)  
  
"Man, you know I love to eat Pikas…" 


End file.
